I am the first and the last, I am the honored and the scorned one, I am the whore and the holy woman.
My Story, As The Arc Climbs
chapter 1: Repression
I was born in 1985 and as a child, from the outside perspective, appeared painfully “shy.” I didn’t know how to engage with the world around me. I was hypersensitive, deeply observant, and acutely self-aware. From the inside perspective, I was feeling and experiencing phenomenon nobody else seemed to experience. I could feel other peoples’ emotions; even emotions they kept hidden like secrets. I could feel where people stored emotions in their bodies and zero-in on it, which would cause me to be flooded with mind Images and Knowings about the stories behind those emotions for those people. As a child, I didn’t have control over my ability to feel in this way, and it overwhelmed me. It confused me, it saddened me, and it scared me. It also made me feel “undesirable” and “weird.” I wanted desperately to belong, so in my vulnerable, adolescent years I shut-off my ability to feel energy by repressing my feelings. I repressed the deepest, most intimate aspects of my authentic being, and I worked hard to conform.
Being able to “conform;” to successfully compete and “prove” my worth, via external measures dictated by conventional Human standards of value, seemed essential for survival. So I donned a false costume and I lied, and I smiled, and I tried oh-so hard to be beautiful, and smart, and accomplished, but inside an emotional cancer was growing. For a time, conformity as a life strategy provided short-term, superficial relief of innermost fears; I grew to a young woman who appeared poised, popular, and oh-so pleasant, but internally I was becoming very sick…
“This above all: to thine
own self be true.”
In my early twenties, it broke. My strategy of hidden-identity capsized all around me. The threshold of my ability to repress Who I Really Am snapped, and I experienced what some call a “Dark Night of Soul,” or what others call a “Mental Health Crisis,” or perhaps One could simply say I experienced the ultimate opposite of Self-Love.
In that moment, I was lying on my bed. I was feeling “exhausted,” and “lonely” and “desperate.” I was aching for Place, for Belonging, for Connection, and I didn’t believe I was worth the Love and the Respect I so deeply craved. I didn’t believe the Dreams I so achingly desired to weave for myself and for Humanity, had space and purpose in our common Collective. And like some noxious cloud, this ache turned dark; exceedingly dark, dangerously black. This dark energy – my dark energy – started to swell up around me and consume the totality of my Being. It eclipsed All of Me. I heard the dark voice in my head say, “this is when they do it.” And I Knew that voice meant, “you should kill yourself Human.” I was at an existential level of mental-emotional-physical disturbance. In that moment, it was just my self against Self; it was my mind against my Heart, for I had unplugged my mind from the Hearth, from the great Pulse at my Core. Inside the synthesis of my Human being-ness, my Head and my Heart were at war; a great war for dominion over Me, over my Human identity. And for stretching moments of seemingly unending time I thought deeply about suicide.
I contemplated taking my own Life. It was a private, solemn and deeply forlorn form of shame that was – up until that moment of my Life – the most intensely vivid feeling I had ever encountered; like a Devil, whispering in my Mind.
But silently, simultaneously – as I contemplated “to be or not to be,”– it made Me, this tiny, remaining, quaking fractal of Light deep inside my Heart (hidden and forever protected) feel sad, to think about hurting someone (Me!) that bad. And the juxtaposition of these two extremes – of this “wanting to die” alongside true, abiding empathy for a girl inhabiting a body – woke me up!
The extremity of this stretched-to-it’s-brink polarity shattered all façade. I experienced this “pop of artifice,” like a balloon bursting into nothingness; and it was just Over. Every lie I’d ever told to myself in an act to “belong;” to fit “along” and “within” Human constructs – unwound instantly from my Mind. I remembered Who I Was; I remembered I was nameless, without form, without gender, without external specificity. And my expanded toolkit, the sensory adaptations of my Human body; like advanced technology for my Soul’s humanity, a bio-spaceship – that part of me that had been repressed – reactivated Everywhere and All At Once. It was like Truth came pouring through me, this White surge of gushing perception, and I could feel “molecules –” these pockets of quantized energy inside and outside my body – thrumming in the same continuum, exchanging “information” and maintaining balance. I perceived on multiple planes of existence happening at once – that “I” wasn’t “separate” from experience in the “Human” plane; from my experience of Human shame and Human self-abusive. I was Creating It. I was creating All, in a matrix of Living Creation-Simulation. In other words, I perceived I wasn’t Human; I was The Immaculateness projecting through eyes, body and breath. I perceived as True Self; which was Love, a fractal of Immaculate Beingness who had asked to participate and guide in the Great, Earth Reawakening of Human Heart.
Like a Phoenix rising – in that moment of death-spiraling turned Life-altering metamorphosis – I pledged my Life to the Good of Humanity; to assist (as my Heart had promised) in our collective Earth-rising, and to become the best version of “Me” that could possibly Be-Exude-Beam. I promised to continue to choose Life – and through Life’s continuation, through my Human trials and tribulations – I promised to steadily elevate my personal vibration to that of Love; I would be God’s walking-beating Heart, on Earth, to the very best of my ability. In every breath and circumstance – for children, for the animals, for the waters, trees and sky, and in the name of One – I promised, I would preserve. I would hold the Force of One in my Heart with Reverence, with Respect.
And with profound humility, I thanked Oneness, the Great Mystery, for trusting Me with such a precious Gift-Mission-Path. I loved, loved, loved every tiny-bit of every single-piece so much.
Inside the center of this Divine Revelation, an epiphany of sound opened in my Human molecular body and I literally felt my Soul’s Purpose on Earth. Mentally, emotionally, physically and Spiritually; as One totality – my Soul’s purpose was impressed upon Me: “You Are To Love.”
And I understood, I “was to Love….” not only my Self, but the entire Human mental-emotional-physical bio-complex; all fractals of Soul inhabiting “flesh.” I understood Soul had brought my Self, my Human aspect, to the brink of extinction on Purpose, by Divine Design, so Soul could feel inside that “edge –” so my Highest Aspect could feel inside Humanities’ fear-generated, separation-perceived “realities” and hold such disturbances with Love and Compassion in my own body. Soul had brought my “Self” to the brink of extinction so the Master “I” could authentically hold what hurts in our Human Collective and offer my Life as a living pathway back to Source.
My true, Ultimate Self had asked for “Shanna” to take on all the pain-filled challenges of youth, so that All looking through the “eyes” of “Shanna” could more vividly behold fear’s conundrums; the outcomes stemmed from fear-thoughts intertwining with fear-feelings. Ultimate “Shanna” had asked for young-Self to be equipped with all the Learning (pain and pleasure) necessary for adult-Self to be able to actualize into God’s greatest Human Potential.
Ultimate Self had chosen to step in as “mortal,” and through Human life as “Shanna,” bridge the gap between “thought” and Potential, between “the living” and The Immaculate. Light had granted “Self” access to Earth’s Great Schoolroom of Duality-Expanding through “Shanna.” Soul wanted “Shanna” to live and die for the sake of One; and Soul wanted to add “Shanna’s” Learning to the great Library of Oneness; an infinite, Living Library expanding in every direction at once! Inside the center of Divine Revelation I perceived Truth: “It is a great, all-consuming honor To Be Who I Am.”
It is a great, all-consuming honor to be “Shanna,” to be “Woman,” to be a Human.
I felt Love’s storm of Pure, White Light pour though my Humanity and I loved my “Self –” my personal, itty-bitty body-breath-flesh – with the Force of One. From depths of Ultimate Darkness I experienced – through body; breath and flesh – Ultimate Light; Ultimate Love. I felt the supremacy of One, and the infinite Power of Self Love.
For indeed, All is indivisible and All is what We Have Come to experience.
My Story, As The Arc Curves and Climbs Again
CHAPTER 6: DE-PROGRAM
The intensity of this cell-opening Epiphany was fleeting, but the Knowing stayed with my Humanity. And from that “moment” forward, I Knew I was to un-learn, to de-program and to re-center my thoughts – so that the arc of my thoughts began to curve in tune with the beat of my Heart. I Knew the conformity-sickness inside my Human belief-system was still present, and I knew this sickness – like an inner, wounded, Human child – needed Me as Adult Self to provide and to do healing work. I Knew I had to continue to Heal (integrate) so that I could be Whole. In essence, I Knew I had been shown Truth, and Now I being called to walk where Masters Walk.
And over Time, I did as my Heart asked; I met my Heart’s requests with one trembling-becoming-steady stance after another; I learned to balance from the inside-out. Truly, I learned to walk from a fulcrum…
For Heart (Creator) taught me to how to hold focus and where to place my perceptive lens; not on external stimuli, but on the internal milieu; a water-like continuum infused with intentions, memories, projections, impressions, yearnings, sensations, fears, and predominately unconscious; predominately hidden from view of a detached Mind, from a Mind unplugged from Love and believing in separateness (Ego’s illusion.)
Slowly, I unwound the gears of my Human Child’s hurt psyche and I listened-listened-listened to Heart Divine. Heart drove me to study a vast array of Human thought-pools; from western mentalities to eastern philosophies, from cognitive behavioral therapies to sound medicine, from diagnosable mental disorders to breathwork and meditation. I studied energy systems, the electromagnetic spectrum, near-death-experiences, somatic therapies, reiki, neurobiology, the autonomic nervous system, extra sensory perception, DNA, hormones, dreams, telepathy, paranormal events, poetry, plays, works of fiction and the mechanics of storytelling.
Heart taught me parallels between all fields of Thought, and Heart taught me parallels between all mis-understandings; such as a gap in our Human understanding of genetics “versus” epigenetics as a parallel to the gap in our understanding of quantum mechanics “versus” general relatively. Heart taught me the connectivity between all things as an Inter-play of Forces. And Heart showed me – through Feeling – the Intra-play of Energy in matter-strung Bodies creating all Forces; as Essence transposed to Behavior in a torus flow…
Heart taught me to acquire language from a multipleieide of thought-dicicpines all of this so that I could acquire more and more language with which to build bridges between Mind and Core, between Masculine and Feminine, between Light and Sound.
Self-chosen, imaginative engagement in activity for enjoyment, especially by children.
My Story, Today
CHAPTER 10: The wisdom of the heart
Eventually I chose to pursue licensure as a Hypnotherapist, and as a practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, because for me these systems of perception (all modalities are systematized mental impression) provided the most flexibility between realms of thought.
And from there, I expanded, and chose again. I chose to depart from the structure of any single, independent system-of-thinking, and instead to assemble a hybrid language that merges many thought-pools into one morphing, fluid, holistic option for Self Empowerment; what I call “Revelations for Self Actualization.” I choose an approach that gives space, and voice, and authority to your Heart, because your Heart already Knows the answer to every question you’ve not yet “thought” to ask.
For Integration (healing) is truly an art, and Consciousness extends beyond any and all perceived parts. Consciousness seeks coherence, and the great remerging of One magnanimous Human. As a Guiding Light I guide the Human psyche into the domain of our Conscious Heart because Love takes infinite forms. And it is not that One becomes lost, left-out, bad, unworthy or unloved – it is that We are weaving an infinite multitude of expanding Stories. And through our weaving of trial and tribulation, of Self and Revelation, we are calling for All our infinite Selves to remember Who We Really Are.
And Friend, your pathway home, to the core of Heart’s Calling, is as unique as You Are! For You are Creator of your Reality. Your experience in, of and through the Reality you Create is your Art; the expression of Soul Through You, a real time outward projection of Inner Authority.
